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Friday, October 09, 2009
Life in Mono

Life has it's perks..

when you figure out the little secrets to what works with you and what doesn't.

Sometimes even what usually works for you has it's days when it feels off. Oh well, nothing really stays the same 24/7. Just have to shake things up a little bit before it comes back to neutral. That's pretty normal I think.

Even I have odd days when I need to readjust/realign my mind, belief and feeling with the things that is going on. Why I don't think too much about certain things that is currently happening is because if I do think too much, more than I should be reading; I would

1. Ruin the idea of living the moment
2. Create a sense of awkwardness that wasn't there
3. Simply couldn't enjoy the good things in life.

It'll be harder when we want things to be the way we are so used to. I guess it'll help that we grow along with the changes. Adapt to it as quickly and wonderful as we can..and then things won't be as odd as it could have been.

If I were to think about it, it is somewhat scary when I evaluate this whole thing. I could be a million times more screwed up, nervous, afraid and unsure but I choose to not be one just because instead of spending those time being such a wreck, I could simply embrace whatever I have and make it better.

Why not make it something I like rather than one I would sulk over? Why spend time regretting of the changes, of the not so good events when I have the power to create a whole new experience, one that is custom made to my preference.

Yeah, I can't deny, I do feel nervous. Afraid of the what ifs and unsure if what I am doing is the right thing to do. But I don't want these feelings to conquer my life, to navigate my present and future. No, noooo...that's the last thing I want.

Sigh. Life. You simply drive me nuts. Even when I don't read in between the lines.

Surfed Away @ 12:12:06 pm
Are you the Fixer Killah?

Thursday, October 01, 2009
Up in the air for me and you.

Why do I get a rush from writing, photography and traveling? It's the kind of rush that simply never goes away. Like an old flame that never dies out. Like a little kid who receives lollipops. Like a girl having intense crush for a guy at the corner of that table.

It just sits there and refuses to go away. It gives me jitters, it gives me happiness, it gives me another reason to look forward to. That sense of joy and excitement I get whenever my mind starts slipping away and decides to churn out stories and possibilities. Oh, the delight I get from feeling this. The smile that runs through one side of my face to another.

I swear it's like falling in love.

I suppose you can say that. That I am falling in love. Falling in love with life. With the unknown. With the journey I will be embarking in whatever way I direct myself (and He decides the outcome).

Ah, I'm going bonkers. I'm just being me. That girl who takes life by the bull's horns.

I love writing, I may not be the world's best writer but I love the fact that my fingers have their own set of mind, soul and heart. All they do once the keyboard is laid upon them is coming out with their own characters, stories, plots, drama, climax..you name it! I have no clue what it'll be about and I'm just as surprised as any of the (if there's any) readers out there because I really don't know what goes on where.

For instance, this very moment. I have no idea what this entry is about, where it leads to or how it will be concluded. All I know is, once the mood is set, the idea is flowed would I then only know what is going on, what I truly want to say subconsciously.

It's like there's two separate individuals residing in me and both have no clue what the other wants. Maybe they do, maybe they secretly have an idea or feel but neither wants to reveal it out in the open until the moment is right.

Don't I sound like a nut as it is already?

I don't know. I really don't know. All I know is my mind constantly comes up with things. Of course 99.7% of the time stays in my mind only.

I love to write. I love the creative writing process. What on earth am doing not doing exactly that in real life? No freaking idea.

Months ago, apparently things were against my universe but when that happened, I find other outlets to do it. Does not mean the British government retracted the course I was sooooooo close signing up to or that the local government here decided to freeze the loan indefinitely (all coming at the same time..gotta wonder, there's must be a damn good reason for these to happen).. everything is being put to halt. Being the restless person that I am and the occasional visits I get from the muse pushes me to pen down the thoughts and whatever nonsensical ideas I have. Perhaps I am working on something, or maybe a lot of things at the same time..simply write where the fingers want to take me.

Just because one thing (or many things) didn't go according to plan, the concept has to be let go. It just means there are other ways to go about it. It's a matter of how bad we want it. I don't know if I'll ever finish my stories, or if it'll ever have endings/closure but I'm working on it. I like the journey. Takes me away, makes me feel as if I am able to fly to the distance, to go to places I wish I have the power to teleport. The magic of..art, it knows no boundaries.

How did I get to this? Why did I suddenly write about it, describing things into further details? Maybe because while having a much needed lunch with a teammate, it occur to me where my passion truly lies. The discussion we had fired up and since then, it's like an awakening.

Oh god.

And like everything that happens in my life, I don't know how or where this will go. However, I have faith that I'll rock it out, doing it the way I know best and have fun with it. That much I know.

Surfed Away @ 1:31:50 am
Are you the Fixer Killah?

Sunday, September 27, 2009
Paragliding through the times.

Wake up.

Wake up to the current time. Wake up to the dreams that you have never seen before. Wake up to unexpected life you anticipate nothing but insanity. Simply wake up to the smell of what molds you into who you are now.

I think I've strayed away a tad too far lately. Reality checks in, and everything else seems to fade away slowly. A tad too far, a tad too long. I have to come back, I have to. At least to keep myself sanity alive and kicking.

It's just one those things.

It's one of those that pulls you back to earth, realising that every high has it's low moments and that doesn't mean it'll stick to that. Take it, improvise it and make it your own thing.

So I've allowed myself on those days to be selfish for myself. Do what I know is best to cure this insanity. The thing is, the things I decide to do is always out of the norm. One that others don't understand or perhaps able to see the way I do. Unconventional is probably a better word for it? Yeah, something like that.

Whatever it takes to get myself back and wake up to this world, I'll take it. Chances are, it's usually the best thing to have happen.

I only know one way to do it, to deal with life and that is to trust my instinct. Follow the heart? Yup. That sounds just like it.

It's the only life's compass that's relevant to use till this day.

I may look like I have utterly no clue what I get myself into, but deep down, I know by following the heart, I'll be in a good place. A safe one that shelters me from the nightmares. Denying this will only resort to entering the graveyard. I know the consequences and by doing so, I'll deal with it when it comes.

As long as I have faith and follow my heart, I should be just fine.

People forget to live. Without realising, they lose their faith in life bit by bit.

Truth be told, I am scared. Scared of the unknown, scared that I'll fall and shatter into pieces. Scared that I won't be able to put things together in time to come. Just scared to be vulnerable.

Then again, that's what makes us humans essentially. The part where we let ourselves vulnerable is just a reminder that we still have to care where the matter of the heart is concerned.

Sigh. Life is a predicament sometimes. The best way to deal with it is do something because it's what you believe and love. That's the only secret I know that keeps me going.

Heartbreaking at times but.. hey, God must have really good reason for everything to happen. Every little detail. The mastermind for all things insane, that's Him alright.

Life. I have nothing else to say to you.

Except maybe, please be gentle to this little heart.

Surfed Away @ 10:15:36 pm
Are you the Fixer Killah?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sometimes it's tiring becoming the parent.

Surfed Away @ 9:00:01 pm
Are you the Fixer Killah?

Friday, September 18, 2009
Like a switch, it has it's off days.

Memories. They are simply just fond memories.

Maybe it's part of the journey. I'm just going to take it as that. Lately it's been like a recurring dream slowly creeping back. Nothing bad really. Just fond memories that they are emerging from no where, one after another. I don't know why, don't want to ask, shall not dwell in it. I am just going to acknowledge it as what it is and leave it as that.

Yet it's there. Hanging in me. Like a stubborn stain refusing to leave.

Thankful I have come to a level of ignorance (or so I hope to think).

Yeah, I remember someone telling me that these things make appearances here and there sometimes. It doesn't mean I'm not moving forward, it just means that I actually am.

Phewh. Washed away by them is great and wonderful yet part of me feels..indescribable. Everything has it's reasons. This particular one, God I don't know what you're up to but faith has taught me that you've always got something insane yet good up in your sleeves.

Good memories good memories. That's all to it that you are. Please keep me safe and sound from any unwelcome emotions.

Surfed Away @ 11:10:28 am
(1)Fixer killah

Thursday, September 17, 2009
Life with a view

WIP - Mind

This mind,
This insane little gift;
God thinks is a makeshift
in hopes that we believe
good is what we want to achieve.

He must have known better
than to present such matter
to the minds of the lesser
because it's only human nature
to stray away from this clutter.

I think, after much considering (actually not really), it hit me that love does make the world go round (square, triangle, oval etc). in all levels and expectations. What makes love not go around is because of our perceptions; refused to see it in a bigger picture and only insist it the way we want it to be.

No wonder no one truly get the idea of what love can potentially change in us.

Do I have to be in a romantic relationship to understand this concept? No. But that's how things have been hasn't it? Misconstrued the concept of love in general. Many of us would take it to context that it would link back to something romantic. Then again, I like to romanticise life. I simply like to add colour into what is already given. In other words, take what I have and make it as my own, the best it can ever be for that very moment.

I have relationships with many different people in different forms. I have a relationship like no other with life. I have relationships with family, friends, acquaintances, nature, the world and The One Above. It all takes a different life, a different route..personalised each to their own.

Some are nerve wrecking, some are motivating, elevating and interesting. Life changing to say the least. Others are just.. just not worth mentioning. But they are all relationships nonetheless.

Take the good and leave the bad.

There are so many things to learn by living and to make it half as easy, we learn from other people. The way they perceive their lives, experiences and keep in mind what you should look out for. Of course, to be able to go through it on our own would make us understand the ordeals but I don't think any of us have eternity to simply go through every single one of it.

That's why I love to listen. Listen to the stories of others. Listen to the kind of events that had happened to them and highlight what makes it so special, so important that they want to share it with the world. There has to be something I can learn from it since we have crossed path.

Everything happens for a reason. Every miniscule of it.

He wouldn't intend to do something without a reason. Even as simple as a rainbow appearing in the sky. It's just to say that cherish the rare moments.

I believe life is simple. We humans make it complicated.

It's complicated to be simple. That's almost a fact on it's own. Why almost? Because it's all in our mind. If we really want it, want the simplicity of truly living, we can ultimately have it - with one condition: live it.

The mind is the single most powerful yet weakest link in us all. With it, you can do it all. Without it, you find aggravation in completing anything.

So how does this all lead to love makes the world go round?

It simply does. When we love ourselves, each other among people, nature & God - I don't think we have much to battle on.

Without love, everything in life is dead. Or seems like it's dead.

Secretly, I wish to die surrounded by books and cds in a room overlooking the ever blooming (secret) garden as the sun shines through the glass panels that frames the world.

I told you I have a thing for romanticising life ;)

Surfed Away @ 10:44:58 am
Are you the Fixer Killah?

Monday, September 14, 2009
The ship is still sailing

There are times when it does hurt, when the vibes just does not jive in with me. Well, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger isn't it?

That's when I decide to just not think about things that have the potential to jab me to the heart. That throbbing feeling sometimes refuses to leave when I so happened to dip my toe into the pool of darkness. Because the throbbing can cause raucous to my mind which could lead to migraine, I simply refuse to enter the dungeon.


I will not go in until I have to. That is when I know I'll be ready for whatever it brings to me. Otherwise, I don't want to be the curious cat killed in the end.


I simply refuse to be that stupid to succumb into sadness.

There's too much sadness circulating this world as it is. Whatever I have, ever drop of joy and laughter, I will not give up as easily.

I can be darn right stubborn a lot of the times. One, I don't know why but that is who I am and when I get not so wonderful vibes around me, I simply stay away. I may not know what it is, may not know why but if history had taught me anything it is to listen to that intuition that has not been proven wrong.

Just a few minutes ago I had a thought, a passing-by thought about how I have let people restricting my life, what I should do, feel, see and live for and I have this sudden surge of anger I didn't know existed. Just the thought of it breaks me into pieces.

This need - striving for greatness, for the ultimate happiness is something out of this world, I must admit.

Then, I remembered the good things that comes about it, the actions I have taken to stand on my ground. What keeps me truly happy, truly me and I'm convinced I have done the right thing, where the heart is concerned. It took a lot of strengths, a lot of courage and a lot of insanity/stubborness in me to do it.

Looking back, it's been great. This life. Weighing in the good and the not so good, I've come far. So far from the land before time. Once, the very indecisive, too naive and too nice of a person, and now.. a bit of all those but I've learned to really listen to the heart. Cheesy huh? But it's really what it is.

“The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of,” – Blaise Pascal

One of my favourite quote of all time. At first I didn't really understand what it meant until much later, the clouds started to shift away and I finally grasped the meaning. There are times when I do what I do seems foolish or unthinkable, eventually the reason will come forth later on and that "OOoooohhhhhh" moment will come.

Months ago, I was afraid I would be the kind of person who lives in the past and everyday as I touch base with myself (yes, there is such a thing and thankfully it is what keeps me somewhat sane) and God, I have no intention to live in the past nor do I wish for it to be like what it used to be. Nope. Times have change. There's only one way and that's forward. Take whatever we have now and make it better. That's what makes all of us stronger and better :) Learn from what had happened and simply move forward. Slowly things will prevail. The reasons are there, it'll only make it' appearance once we are ready to face it.

Life is weird like that.

Each of us have our own way in discovering the insanity and this is part of mine I like to share.

If you know doing a certain something will only cause more bleeding, stay away from it. Too curious to know about it? Well, accept the consequences then. It's allllll in the mind actually. :)

Surfed Away @ 5:10:52 pm
Are you the Fixer Killah?

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