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Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Her name is Grace.

Running away in all shapes and form.

My mind, soul and body - they all seek for the same thing.

Away from this madness.

I've been masking myself in a position I simply just have to let God decide.

We don't have control in the decision making but we have the control about how we want to approach something in regards to His plans. It is tough, choosing between what we know best and what we think is the responsible thing to do. We all walk that path everyday. From the littlest things right up to the Big Kahuna. Maybe if we think of it as these "moments" as the colour tubes we want to use to paint a bigger picture, perhaps it may help ease the headache a little and have more belief in what we do. Maybe maybe maybe.

Maybe that's what I am doing, switching things like these into metaphors that I can understand and look from different perspective. Maybe it's my way of diffusing the tension that sparks. Maybe it's my way of hiding as well. So many maybes, and yet I don't feel agitated about not having a black and white answer to it.

Maybe I have learned to accept His way of putting things. I don't need to have black and white picture, it can be a two tone colour, or glow in the dark..whichever he sees fits, I'll take that and make it good. Of course, it's heartbreaking to go through the hurdles, not being able to get to the destination on a straight route but perhaps He wants to show us that sometimes detours and diversion are tools to mold you into a better person by the time you arrive.

It's only worthwhile when you see it the way it is. Accept it for what it is and feel it when it reaches out to you. Society has this one track mind about being one with Him which is to be as religious as they approve. But who are they to decide what religious means to Him other then being who you are and not someone the society see fit. Religion is a guidance, a communication piece for you and Him. However you approach it as long as you have good intention/faith and is willing to be open minded with His givings, that's your way and no one else. If what you are doing makes you feel closer, more enlightened and truthfully sated by His presence and forgiveness, you're in a good place. Eventually you'll get there. You'll get to the path he wants you to be, and so do you. It is truly between you and Him.

I am probably the least best person to speak of Him in regards to the society's approval but I feel His presence in any way possible. The first song I listened to the moment I start up my car or how coincidental certain uplifting messages was sent to me during the moment I needed most although his messengers had no clue about it, all these little graces He gives made me feel a lot better. Shittier but a lot better knowing he is listening and never stopped until I stop having faith. It is tough. So tough, I had to push myself to lean over on other people's shoulder even though it was just words, but I realised in order for me to get help, I have to make the first move and ask for it. Since then, I have been given in so many levels, all I could do is waking up and give thanks for their willingness to have me around, for Him to show to me that this may be the battle I'll always have to fight but that only means He wants me to look elsewhere. Find alternative.

Yesterday, while it has been one of the craziest moments in my life, the first thing I heard from the radio when I got into the car was the Deejay introducing Des'ree's You Gotta Be. At first I was overwhelmed, laughed a little at the message I was getting and then cried while singing along to the song. I like to think of it as His way of reaching out to me, as crazy as it sounds.

Des'ree-You Gotta Be

Listen as your days unfolds
challenge what the future holds
Try to keep your head up to the sky

Lovers they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be shamed to cry

You gotta be you gotta be bad
You gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard
You gotta be tough
You gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool
You gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know all I know love will save the day

Herald what you mother said
Read the books your father read'
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash then you
Others take a different view
My oh my
Hey hey hey

You gotta be bad
You gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard
You gotta be tough
You gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool
You gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know all I know love will save the day

Time asks no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning, can't stop it if you tried to
The best part is danger staring you in the face

Listen as your days unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try to keep your head up to the sky
Lovers they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my
Hey hey hey

You gotta be bad
You gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard
You gotta be tough
You gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool
You gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know all I know love will save the day

Got to be bad. Got to be bold
Got to be wise. Don't ever be cold
Got to be hard. Not too, too hard
All I know is, love will save the day

What are the odds of this to happen at the right time. It could have been played any other time yet that was the time I heard it. Me and Him, a lot of the times I hear him speak is through music or through other people's out of the blue yet wonderful words appear.

I am thankful. Thankful that I have so many people looking out for me. Part of me do feel guilty, feel burdened for pinning on them yet these very same people never felt the way I thought and it's a blessing. I just need to keep having good faith that things will be good for as long as I am doing it with good intention.

Someday I'll get there and I'll reach out the same way others had done to me.

Surfed Away @ 12:03:48 pm
Are you the Fixer Killah?

Go Away

Do you need to die for others to appreciate the good in you?

Surfed Away @ 1:36:38 am
Are you the Fixer Killah?



The funny thing is, it's not the looking/applying/getting a job that's hard.

It's the people you have to live with who doesn't believe in you, makes you think you're hopeless, rejected, foolish and a burden that is what makes it hard.

I don't know how I got through for the past 24 years and still breathing now.

It's hurtful, heart wrenching and insulting.

Nothing I do had ever been enough, had ever reached their expectation.

You know what? I've come to a decision to accept that they take me for granted and not even blowing this out of proportion. In fact, the perhaps the nicest words to describe.

It's really tough. Emotionally and physically draining.

However, it's  a blessing in disguise when I realised other people accepted me as who I am and inspires me to be better. They've made this whole thing a little easier for me to lean on and feel safe. Thank you. Thank you so much.

The thing is, I'm ok. They are the one who aren't. Therefore, I'm the sacrifice.

Surfed Away @ 1:10:05 am
Are you the Fixer Killah?

Monday, February 08, 2010

OK! I've been having this thought in my head for a few days already and it's a fact.

I hate the way I write in this blog lately!

There I've said it.

It's because I can't help but realised the things I write about are redundant in different form of sentences. Ok, enough about self loving.
On to something else. I'll figure out something.

It'll still have that positive essence but not as overloaded as it had become.

Short term resolution, to improve my writing!


Surfed Away @ 8:35:17 pm
Are you the Fixer Killah?

Monday, February 01, 2010
Bliss & Blessed

The Script/Kris Allen - Live Like We're Dying.

Sometimes we fall down and can't get back up
we're hiding behind skin that's too tough
how come we don't say I love you enough
till it's to late, it's not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come
we could make a feast from these crumbs
and we're all staring down the barrel of a gun
so if your life flashed before you
what would you wish you would've done

Yeah... gotta start
lookin at the hand of the time we've been given here
this is all we got and we gotta start pickin it
every second counts on a clock that's tickin'
gotta live like we're dying

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
turn it all around or throw it all away
we gotta tell 'em that we love 'em
while we got the chance to say
gotta live like we're dying

And if your plane fell out of the skies
who would you call with your last goodbyes
should be so careful who we live out our lives
so when we long for absolution
there'll no one on the line

Like we're dying oh-- like we're dying

We never know a good thing till it's gone
you never see a crash until it's head on
all those people right when we're dead wrong
you never know a good thing till it's gone

Yeah... gotta start
lookin at the hand of the time we've been given here
this is all we got and we gotta start livin it
every second counts on a clock that's tickin'
gotta live like we're dying

I like it when the rainbow shines through the sky after the rain stops. Rainbows give me this joy in my tummy and my eyes would be fixed to the colours. One of God's many little magic trick that will always put me into smiles. I love it. I love the way He too loves to play with his little creations in the most joyous manner.

One need not be summoned as a (good) religious follower only playing by the rules The Public approves off. You're as good as your heart and intentions are.

Listen to your heart and feel what your soul wants you to do.

I've done what many would perhaps disapprove of. Then again when do I actually bow down to the conventional anyway? Taking a break for a while helps giving myself time to realign/ reshape myself for the future. Right now, while I'm still young, I should take chances, have some leap of faith towards myself and do what truly makes me a better person.

I have learned a lot through observations. My beliefs and core values hasn't changed, if only it strengthens even more.

It amazes me how some people can form words into beautiful poetry that has an honest voice. I can imagine the satisfaction when The Script penned down the lyrics to Live like we're dying. It's not only thoughtful and inspiring, those words are simply magical went put together. Writing last forever if it is powerful. It could last through centuries even. And that's why I love it. A story is best told when it's from the heart too. A message you want to send out for others to understand.

It's a masterpiece in it's own right. One I hope to achieve eventually.

Taking Creative Writing class opens my mind even wider. It made me look inwards and see where I stand and accept it, then find resources to improve. It's a personal project I've been meaning to do for ages and the timing could not have been better.

I truly (truly, truly truly, truly..) believed that He only has good intentions when He created us and all we need to do is keep doing what we believe/ know is good..insyallah He'll open up the doors for us.

If one door closes, there are many more waiting for you to open it. If not, make your own door, that's even better right? ;)

Seeing the glass half full is a lot easier than half empty.

My ex copywriter told me that one thing she has learned from me after we worked together for 6 months is that, it's so easy to be happy as long as you want it. Yeah, that took me about 20 years to realised it and now I need to pass it on to others. If not, it'll take them another 2 decades.

Time waits for no one.

And for that, I keep doing what makes me feel good and hopefully to have the same effect towards others around me.

I really am very fortunate to come to this path, those rough patches are worth going through. It feels good to know that I am now finally able to lead the way I let the flow guide me.

Thank you so much.

Surfed Away @ 7:56:30 pm
Are you the Fixer Killah?

With Time Comes Maturity

Through time, we are able to reflect and create on the things that we have done or will be doing. With that, I've come to a place of understanding, acceptance and maturity. I have light years to go in completing the perfect score but then again we are all human, we'll never get the perfect score. But! By accepting that we are who we are and accept the flaws we have, I think we're as perfect as we can get.

Everything starts from within. Self-acceptance is important especially when one is in a recovery mode. Then again, it is important in all aspects of life any way. If one can't accept oneself for what one is, how could anyone else do the same? Finally, after what felt like never, I have come to terms with that last year. It's been a long battle fighting against the currant and I failed floating, so when that option is painfully obvious it's a failure, I find other alternatives.

When I accepted everything the way it is, reminding myself daily about it like reciting mantras; I get to see the world in a different perspective. A lot more forgiving and loving as well as happier too. When I choose to be happy, I have to believe that I am happy in all sorts of ways. That's when self-happiness comes in. A place where you are happy on your own, for who you are and what you have become without depending on other people telling you so. And then self confidence kicks in. Slowly, everything falls into places and I started to feel good about myself.

Thinking back, many would probably go "It's pretty obvious isn't it? What took you so long?" and I think it's because some people have it easy and others may have to take a few detours before arriving to this conclusion. I suppose I'm the latter and glad it is the way it is because those rough patches I walked on were meant to shape my mind and soul to be better than that was laid in front of me. I was told that "Just because some people are like that, does not mean you have to be like them too. You're not them. You are a much better person" and at that time (before I had this eureka moment-the self realisation), I could not understand what he meant although I knew deep down he sincerely meant it.

A year had past, and today as I stand here, I am able to say those same words with confidence. When I fully comprehend the meaning of those words and accepted how the world works, I inadvertently become that :)

Surfed Away @ 7:54:04 pm
Are you the Fixer Killah?

Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Up, Up and Away!

Michael Buble's Haven't Met You Yet gives me this certain tingle sensation. Always want to make me break into a smile whenever I hear the song. Or at the very least stop myself from whatever I was doing and just enjoy his music.

It's so honest yet witty in his own ways. So true yet so heartbreaking. Positive yet there's a sense of realism. :) All I could do as a listener is love it. Love the words. Love the beats. Just love love I guess?

These are few of the many photos I have that paints my ever so colourful life. December is only 3 weeks to being over. No, 2009 is 3 weeks away from being over and since day 1 I've always wondered, what will happen next? Well everything happened in 2009 from new friendships, new bonds, old memories, renewed dreams, distant thoughts, wonderful experiences, breaking from habits, and loads of smiles & laughters. Everything simply spells out marvelous this time. 2009 is a through and through has not disappoint me one bit. Wild bitch on the loose is more like it this 2009. So how shall I welcome 2010 then? Errr..well I suppose I could just take it one notch higher with it from where 2009 may have stopped (or at least did it's very best) and then make it even better.

Yeah, that resolution to go with the flow this year has been nothing short but that. Every single moment of my life so far. Amazing and insane all at the same time.

3 weeks of still yet to know what the heck is going to blow my mind away and..I'm already excited for January because I've registered myself for Silverfish's creative writing course! So yeah, definitely taking it to a whole new level for 2010.


I don't know why or how or what..but I feel...good.

All those rough patches are even out here and there, just as long as I still have faith in myself, Above and everything I do - things will be a-okay. Things will come together.

I honestly love the people I have around me. I am selective despite the many comments I get about my friendliness and able to get along well with people. I choose to be happy and I suppose it comes out as that even to strangers who don't even know me. Better that than being miserable right?

I don't know, there's just so many millions of ways out there for all of us to make ourselves feel good, be good and do good. All it takes is that step, that step in making efforts to do so. After that, we'll welcome the great feeling that will wash our soul.

Sure, to the outsiders, they may think I look like one who has no sense of direction but in actual fact i do have a direction. What differs is the process of getting to that direction. Rigid is not my style nor is no plans at all works for me. I just have some plans somewhere, a destination more like it and then how I go about it.. well that I'm open for discussion.

Yeah, I suppose I do believe in good things comes to those who wait. And I'm making every effort in getting myself to the place I want. When it comes, I'll embrace the moment. :) I really do like the person I have become today. I really do. I wish I could share this feeling I have in me to everyone. I think..I know how to do that :)

And yeah, I do love love.

And..I also agree with Buble's new song :) Maybe I have met..maybe I haven't. Who knows eh ;)

Surfed Away @ 1:56:13 pm
(2)Fixer killah

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