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Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Days gone by

Do you ever get this nagging voice in your mind telling you to do what you want to do but never got around in doing it yet?

Well I do.

And it has been a while too. This voice in my head keeps telling me to talk about it. I nearly did. But I didn't. Second guessing the moment and we all know time waits for no man. I'm sure I'll say my deepest most sincere thanks when the time comes. It'll be soon, that much I'm sure. How soon? I don't know. But it's coming. I can feel it.

Call me crazy but yes, I am navigated through my feelings and intuition. It's what I can count on most. Keeping this mum is going to drive me nuts and that's why I know that time will come very soon. So soon, I could just pick up the phone and say it but I want it to be said face to face. I want it to be delivered as just as possible because that is how much it means to me.

I think..if I'm not mistaken, the next time I get around it, that will be the moment. The right moment to express my thank yous. I don't know how you do it to show your appreciation as I have a hard time trying to weigh it for I don't think there's any possible way to show it. Oh well. We'll see.

That nagging feeling I have in me. It's burning a hole alright.

Surfed Away @ 8:22:56 pm
(1)Fixer killah

Space and Time.

Anggun- Snow on the Sahara

Only tell me that you still want me here
When you wander off out there
To those hills of dust and hard winds that blow
In that dry white ocean alone
Lost out in the desert
You are lost out in the desert
But to stand with you in a ring of fire
I'll forget the days gone by
I'll protect your body and guard your soul
From mirages in your sight
Lost out in the desert

If your hopes scatter like the dust across your track
I'll be the moon that shines on your path
The sun may blind our eyes, I'll pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the Sahara
If that's the only place where you can leave your doubts
I'll hold you up and be your way out
And if we burn away,
I'll pray the skies above for snow to fall on the Sahara

Just a wish and I will cover your shoulders
With veils of silk and gold
When the shadows come and darken your heart
Leaving you with regrets so cold
Lost out in the desert

If your hopes scatter like the dust across your track
I'll be the moon that shines on your path
The sun may blind our eyes, I'll pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the Sahara
If that's the only place where you can leave your doubts
I'll hold you up and be your way out
And if we burn away,
I'll pray the skies above for snow to fall on the Sahara

I personally think this is one of the most beautifully written lyrics thus far. How each metaphor link to the other and still have such a big impact after 12 years still baffles me. And I couldn't think of a better singer to sing this song other than Anggun herself.

A breakthrough this one.  It speaks out what many of us could not say or would want to say but don't know how to. For others, it's something we want to hear and hang on to for a support.

I have a thing for liking a certain song without knowing the lyrics and then when I read into it, I realised that my liking has a lot to do with how I feel and this is one of those songs. Back then it may not have meant as much as it has now but it's always the case, when I like it, it's got to mean something to me one way or another.

Lyrics aren't written in this manner in a long time already. It's more in your face type of message rather than layering it with many symbolism. I think that is also one of the reason why it is one of the best song out there. It stood out without shouting out loud and yet it gives such strong and deep impression.

I won't lie, this song, like few others helps me through the tough times. It gives me strength I didn't know I have in me, awaken the hope I have hid in my heart and instill patience for better days.

I have no intention to put on my dark persona, but this is what is part of me. Who I am. Instead of turning my head into the dark side, I want to bring light into the dark tunnel. I don't know how to go about it yet, but I'll get around to do it however way I see fit.

Here's tons of luck for that.


Apart from that, I love having my own space. Being in an empty house gives me the freedom to be who I am without feeling like I am fighting a battle. It feels like what home should be and secretly that's one of the reason why whenever I get the opportunity to be home alone, I'll take it with open arms. Rare occasion but that's what makes it special. My music speaks 100x louder when I play it on.

Ok my alone space is over.

Surfed Away @ 7:51:32 pm
Are you the Fixer Killah?

Monday, February 15, 2010
Courage the Alien.

Can I at least try?

Try to put on a smile when deep inside something is not sitting well.

Try to be confident when bits and pieces are slowly shattering away.

Try to feel great just as the thoughts tangle in seven hundred knots.

I am scared of so many things. Things I have done and will be doing. The million dollar question of 'What If' always pops in my mind before anybody pointing it out to me.

I've grown up feeling inadequate in a lot of way. Not smart enough, not good enough or not nice enough. The list literally goes on. And a lot of that time, I harboured enough hatred to simply kill the spirit I have to be who I am. I don't like myself because I can't get good grades, I hate myself for being emotionally sensitive or I wished I am competitive enough to win. I just never liked who I was at that time. Always wishing I could do better or simply die in my sleep. It was hard to love myself since I could not accept myself without putting myself down. Letting others bully me and brainwash me for being less of who I could be. It was tough.

Something when I think back, I could still feel the pain, incapable of rationalising how I am still alive today.

I am in no way, shape or form perfect. Not when I have admitted things above. It was hard to know that I have a lot of flaws and seeing others flying free makes me feel a lot worst. It was as if needles were pierced to my heart. How could I see myself for who I am when other people don't?

It was an endless battle. Was not a pretty sight sometimes too.

Then years down the road slowly I opened my heart and eyes. Many would ask how I managed to do it?

I answered, I was done feeling negative and decided to be happy.

Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years after that vow; things pretty much fell into places. Sometimes hard, sometimes not so hard. But all of it was meant for me to understand myself better, to know myself deeper and then accept that there are things I am better and some things I have to work harder. When I realised that I am making effort for myself, I got to meet people who give life to me and share with me what make them happy and I took it with an open mind.

Slowly, I started to believe in myself more.

There are still moments when I cry when I feel upset or frustrated. And I would do it without fear. There's a little part of me feeling embarrassed about this sensitive side of me in front of other people but if it is the only way I can express myself and know it only does good to my soul, I shouldn't be afraid to cry. Not anymore. I'm not scared of showing my anger if things crossed the line for me. It is who I am and it's hundred times more tiring to put up a mask and covering it than to be myself.

I couldn't thank enough for the miracles that had happened. I'm not saying I have ended my internal war; I still am fighting it. The struggles can cost pain but since I have faith with myself and God, there's always something good out of the bad things. If what I'm doing is a repeated error, it means I haven't figured out the key message.

I grow up every day. We all grow up every day. We never stop learning.

I just hope I have the support if I crash down. So far, I'm not regretting things. I have to be in this place to know that I have a lot to learn.

Maybe that's why this sensation to help others who are less fortunate is even greater. I want to share what I know and hopefully to exchange with something I don't with others. I want them to know that, there will always be light at the end of the tunnel, the sun will shine when the rain stops and accepting oneself by loving oneself is the only key to unleashing the magic in life.

Maybe the things I went through, going through and will be later on is just another way for me to communicate with others. There's always a good reason for things to happen the way it is.

And as much as it tears me in all direction, a big part of me is still very thankful to those who never stopped believing in me and giving me a chance to be myself. I honestly don't know how else to thank them besides praying for endless of blessings upon them.

It's a tough world but it's not so bad when you've got support.

I may not have everything in life but I am very lucky to have some.

Surfed Away @ 10:59:27 pm
Are you the Fixer Killah?

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Haven't Met You Yet really uplifts my mood. Thank you Buble.

Surfed Away @ 1:08:26 am
Are you the Fixer Killah?

Thank You.

Many people in general usually see things in the negative way. Why? Is that a sign of being afraid of changes or just being pessimistic?

I'm tired of trying to keep reaching for the expectation I didn't put for myself and always falling short. Resulting to an even more frustrated and dejected alien. When it has become a habit to feed a soul with all kinds of negativity, it is tiring for a soul to digest and satisfy the hunger that was not one's doing. It is truly tiring, failing one after another.

On a different point of view, that failure is actually an achievement in other people's eyes and the reason why it looks like a failure is because they are not letting the soul grow as oneself by being happy for oneself, confident and thankful.

It's a losing war no matter how one spins it simply because they want the soul to be what they perceive as a success and when it fails, the soul fails.

Please be kind to the souls out there. A person can only take so much of pain. Don't fucking say "You're just weak" by using their weakness and slap to their face because after trying many times and it doesn't work out, it's not the soul. It's just them.

I have realised unconditional love is an invitation to endless of sufferings. Tolerating misbehaviour by others despite the disrespect and rudeness sent out are not meant acceptable acts. It's toxic.

And I have to remind myself that.

It is a good thing I have many good influences out there to keep reminding me that life is what you want it to be and not others want you to do it in their terms.

Please don't kill that soul in you unless it is something you truly want - mind, body and soul.

Surfed Away @ 12:54:12 am
(2)Fixer killah

Thursday, February 11, 2010

In a way, this break I am taking is good despite the opposite feelings I get from the lords. I don't plan to be in this moment for too long. But for the past two days, I was approached by students who were doing their part to help different NGO bodies. Their objective is to get as many people to donate as much money to help out the unfortunates and I've decided to asked for the address for the people they represent.

It has been months since I've been planning to do charity work. For some odd reason, I kept postponing or never got around to do it.

NOW that I am free, I want to go and help in every way possible. A soul is as rich as the things one do that does not evolve around oneself. Who knows, we may learn more about life than they do from us and that's what is exciting. God make people from all walks of life come into your world and make a mark on you - good or bad and it is up to us how we want to perceive it.

The least they can do is make you more humble about who you are and I think a lot of us need some dose of that, including me. Nothing beats from giving back and putting a smile on those beautiful faces. Something I hope to capture through the lense as well if I am given the opportunity.

This has been one of my objective in life and it won't just end with one visit. Who knows maybe I'll fall in love and never turn back. There might be times when their actions could freak me out but then again even the sane people out there freak me out sometimes. I could learn the way they see life and maybe adopt it as part of mine too.

Soon. :)

There is probably a good reason why I have this insatiable feeling about helping out. I think it has a lot to do with how God has given me so much through other people by being there for me. And I don't feel good just taking it from them and Him. I want to share this feeling, this feeling of loved, appreciative, trustworthy, safe and happiness. Other people who are not as fortunate should also get these feelings and I hope to be able to reach out for them.

Hey Michael Buble's Haven't Met You Yet is playing :) Always put a smile on my face.

Surfed Away @ 10:07:51 pm
Are you the Fixer Killah?


Maybe this will keep me practice to converse better.

I've been taking a break for the past 1.5 weeks. At the moment, I'm relying on freelance projects and today I went for a briefing. I realised I have a problem with relaying my thoughts in sentences people can easily understand. I tend to..not get to the point at times because that's how my brain is at for now. I'm confident by making myself talk professionally in front of people who needs to understand the ideas I am selling to them, I will have to get better day after day.

This afternoon during the meeting, I asked questions, making sure I got the right message from what the client wanted. I suppose they might seem to think I'm a bit of a clueless or doofus but I need to make sure it is the direction they want me to go. I think in the end it went as good as it can get with my deficiency. The next round, I should be one step better and so on.

Making this a good challenge just like the creative writing course I've enrolled myself in. It's meant to sharpen my skills and eventually I will be better in transferring what's in my brain into words. Yeah. Keep moving forward.

I was nervous, I don't know why. Oh wait, I think I do. Part of it is because usually I'll get a brief from the Account Servicing team who translates what the client wants. Now, I'm doing what the entire department is handling. Jot down notes, ask questions, don't be afraid to be nervous and confident mixed together and always be approachable. That way, people can relate to you, have patience and faith in what you're doing.

I'm ok. I'll be ok.

Will be able to stand up with my two bare feet and then will be able to afford to buy shoes for those feet. Baby steps indeed. There will always be people who don't have faith in me, or puts up a front as if they don't and their reason will most likely be to make you fall to your feet, admit what you do is wrong in their eyes but not yours and beg for help.. plant some faith seeds in you, soon it will grow into a beautiful soul because it's one of His many ways of making you choose which path you decide to walk on Dependent or Independent route.

There's nothing wrong in asking for help. No one can live doing anything alone for long. But it has to be under circumstances. If people make you ask for help because it is what they want (not yours and don't believe in it), better not.

It's moments like this which makes a difference in yourself. We need to always choose which seed to plant in our mind and soul very carefully and then the follow ups are like fertiliser to grow healthier. Every decision counts. It helps make us evolve in a way.

So that's what I learned today.

Oh and I also learned that not knowing the word to describe something (and only that word fits) hurts like an elephant falling on my head! Gah!

Surfed Away @ 9:33:55 pm
Are you the Fixer Killah?

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